Are you still watching The Great British Bake Off? Yes, I am Netflix, you judgmental so-and-so. But seeing as I’ve seen every episode enough times to know the timecode of when and where Mary Berry will bemoan a soggy bottom, perhaps it’s time to expand my televised horizons. Thankfully, there is a heaping helping of brand new TV on the way this spring. But with so many shows, how can you decide what to spend your hard-earned free time watching? Easy–you let me do the heavy lifting. And on today’s episode of The Dan Cave, I have put together a list of the best new TV shows that you need to see this spring.
When can I watch? April 15, 2017 on BBC America
What is it? Happy Who Year, everybody! The Doctor is back, and he’s bringing a new companion along with him in the form of Bill Potts (Pearl Mackie). Not only is this Peter Capaldi’s final season in the TARDIS, but it’s longtime showrunner Stephen Moffat’s as well. This, of course, can only mean one thing: next season the show is moving to America and Kevin James will star as a minor league basketball player-turned-time lord in Doctor Hoops, coming to NBC on Tuesdays at 8. Either that or we’ll see the return of classic villains like the Daleks and the Cybermen to exterminate our boredom as Capaldi and Moffat ride off into the sunset.
THE HANDMAID’S TALE
When can I watch it? April 26, 2017 on Hulu
What is it? Who knew that a story about a dystopian, fascist government trying to legislate women’s bodies would be so deeply and unfortunately relevant in 2017? Yet here we are. The Hulu series based on Margaret Atwood’s eponymous 1985 novel tells the story of a society in which the solution to an infertility epidemic is for the religious fundamentalist government to force fertile women into sexual servitude. It’s kind of like Westworld in that regard, except instead of sex robots, they are real human beings and Jesus Christ you’ve got to be kidding me. Regardless of your politics, this is a show that demands to be seen, and not just because the incredible Elisabeth Moss is in the starring role.
When can I watch it? April 15, 2017 on BBC America
What is it? Why they didn’t call it Doctor: The Who School Years is beyond me, but this spring brings the Doctor Who spinoff Class along with it. The show centers on the students and teachers of Coal Hill Academy, who are tasked with fighting off the alien threats the Doctor doesn’t have time to deal with in addition to doing their homework and keeping their raging hormones in check.
When can I watch? April 5, 2017 on IFC
What is it? If your biggest complain about Eastbound and Down was that it focused on baseball players rather than baseball announcers, then Brockmire is for you. The Simpsons‘ Hank Azaria stars as disgraced former Major League Baseball announcer Jim Brockmire, who is relegated to the minor leagues after an on-air meltdown ruins his career. Honestly, this looks like it’s going to be the best story about baseball, alcohol addiction, and doing shit tons of cocaine since the original R-rated version of Angel in the Outfield.
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: THE RETURN
When can I watch it? April 14, 2017 on Netflix
What is it? What can I say about Mystery Science Theater 3000 that can’t be better said by a dude and a few robots loudly talking shit over what I’m saying? MST3K makes its triumphant return on Netflix with a slew of new episodes featuring the hilarious Jonah Ray, Felicia Day, Patton Oswalt, Baron Vaughn, and Hampton Yount. More MST3K is always a good thing, but especially so when it releases in one giant binge-worthy batch of B-movie bliss.
When can I watch it? April 30, 2017 on Starz
What is it? Just when I thought Game of Thrones would feature the craziest thing I’d ever see a vagina do on TV, American Gods comes along and blows it out of the water. Bryan Fuller and Michael Green’s American Gods is the adaptation of the fan-favorite novel that Neil Gaiman fans have been waiting for. At its core, it’s a story about a battle between the gods of old–like Odin–versus the new gods–like Media and Technology–for the soul of America. But throw in an all-star cast including Ian McShane, Gillian Anderson, Crispin Glover, Orlando Jones, and Ricky Whittle, as well as some deeply trippy imagery and a little bit of the ol’ ultraviolence, and you have a recipe for my new favorite show.
When can I watch it? April 25, 2017 on National Geographic
What is it? Hey, is your name Kyle Hill? Do you love science? Can you appreciate the hell out of a good biographical drama? If you said “yes” to any of these questions, then you need to watch Ron Howard’s Genius. Nat Geo’s first ever scripted series is all about Albert Einstein, and considering it stars Geoffrey Rush as adult Einstein, I have a theory that you’re going to be relatively interested in seeing this.
When can I watch it? April 8, 2017 on AMC
What is it? What’s this? A prestige drama on AMC about Pierce Brosnan as a bearded oil baron who goes from lovable patriarch at the head of a burgeoning industrial dynasty to a stone-cold murderer who will stop at nothing to see his rivals ruined? And it takes place over 150 years? Yes, please! The only way this would be better is if it were called Breaking Bros.
When can I watch it? May 21, 2017 on Showtime
What is it? Good news! That TV show you like is coming back in style. We don’t know a heck of a lot about this long-awaited third season of the David Lynch cult classic except that it’s 18 episodes long and takes place 25 years after the series finale. So go ahead and put on a pot of damn fine coffee, pour one out for Log Lady, and start trying to figure out who is using Laura Palmer’s photo on Tinder. Because that’s what this season is about.
When can I watch it? May 12, 2017 on Netflix
What is it? Stock up on ipecac, dye your hair green, and accidentally get the neighbor kid drunk because Anne of Green Gables is back, motherfuckers. That’s right, we’re gettin’ some Nova Scotian precoc-in’ from a plucky ginger by the Atlantic Ocean in a brand new Anne of Green Gables series. As a fan of Green Gables, I couldn’t be more excited.
INTO THE BADLANDS
When can I watch it? March 19, 2017 on AMC
What is it? Did the fight scenes in Iron Fist make your heart frown? Well, unlike Iron Fist, Into the Badlands won’t use 56 cuts in 35 seconds because they’ve got a team of kickass fighters like Daniel Wu (Warcraft) doing some of the best fight choreography on television. This deeply weird martial arts action series is set to get even weirder in season two with the addition of Nick Frost. Now I don’t know about you, but I’m a simple man: I see Nick Frost, I watch Nick Frost.
TALKING WITH CHRIS HARDWICK
When can I watch it? April 9, 2017 on AMC
What is it? Just because The Walking Dead is winding down for the season doesn’t mean you have to stop hearing Chris Hardwick talk about how Negan killed Dumbledore with Rosebud alongside a panel of celebrity guests. Talking Dead is evolving like so many Squirtles into so many Blastoises with a brand new pop culture-filled, year-round talk show called Talking with Chris Hardwick. I don’t know about you, but I for one welcome our new Hardwick overlords.